Finding our way through Fatherhood

There’s a lot of talk these days about what makes a man.

And a father.

Much of it, I suspect, is coming from people who haven’t properly answered that question for themselves. I suspect anyone who is looking for answers from today’s Man-O-Sphere is likely getting bad information, or at the least, information that’s designed to inflame mens’ worst tendencies.

I’ve wondered for some time how the culturally popular version of the idea man has morphed so much over the years. Reach back to that time when people seem to think America was Great, and the iconic male was calm, patient, kind, smart, stylish, resolved in the face of challenge, and focused on his family.

Think Ward Cleaver from Leave it to Beaver, the Dad from Father Knows Best, or one of my favorites, Atticus Finch from To Kill A Mockingbird.

Contrast that with some of the male characters who are elevated in today’s environment - abusive people like Andrew Tate and others. Most of their work is built around rage-baiting men into engaging with their content. And there have been a number of studies detailing how the idealogical rhetoric is creating a number of compounding issues for men and women.

This is in a study from the National Institute on Health:

“What unites these different groups within the manosphere is a fundamental belief that women are inferior to men and ought to be subordinated to them. Women are often derogated as innately illogical, selfish, greedy and scheming. These attributions are used to justify harassment, coercive control, and discriminatory behaviour [2, 4]. For example, self-styled ‘life coach’ Andrew Tate regularly suggests that women belong in the kitchen and owe their male partners service and gratitude [5]. Other misogynistic influencers, such as Pearl Davis, campaign to restrict voting rights to men [6]. Some influencers within the manosphere explicitly advocate violence against women and appear to have inspired real world attacks against them [3]. These communities are increasingly politicised and often advocate for far-right politicians [7].”

Though I loathe the content, I can understand how this world speaks to men, especially young men, and young fathers.

I remember how I felt in my teens and early 20s - filled with a strong will and desire to build and achieve, but completely unsure about how to go about it, and still somewhat uncertain about who I was as a person. Sort of listing about, looking for my path in the world, and working to establish my unique identity.

Me, at 17 or so. I had no idea then that I’d be a father in a few years.

I know that at 20, when my daughter was born, the purpose was set - even if the way to it wasn’t.

But I also remember the pressure that came with being a father. The feeling that I had to check the right boxes, make the right career and money moves, or risk sending my family into a downward spiral from which we’d never recover.

I wish I’d had worried about all of that less. I was overly concerned, I think, with the kind of financial life I wanted to provide for my children - which if you’re not born wealthy never feels like quite enough no matter how much money you make.

I wish I’d have taken in more to heart when my wife tried to tell me that none of that really mattered to our children. What mattered was that I was there, and that I was present, engaged, and an active part of their lives, and that I loved them and they loved me.

Showing up every day and being part of the small and mundane moments of life -navigating vomit and poop, toddler breakdowns, endless questions, messy houses, always running behind, overbooked schedules, health scares, school dances, first dates, learning to drive, broken hearts, and leaving the nest - that’s the truest measure of man, in my view.

These days I feel pretty lucky in this area. I get to see my kids making their own way through life as adults, and it’s beyond rewarding to see the talents and passion they bring to this world.

I also get to be an active part of my grandchildren’s lives, which is speical in ways I never could’ve imagined.

I also get to bear witness to my friends as they navigate their own journeys through fatherhood. I see such goodness in them. Everyday they strive towards patience, understanding, and compassion with their children. They apologize when they fall short. They think about how to improve along the way. I see the way they engage with their children, and it makes me feel warm. I get to see these guys being the sort of father I’d liked to have been had I known how to do it better at the time.

It’s not always been easy, or calm, and sometimes it comes with incredible pain and worry, uncertainty, and doubt - but being a Father has been the most consistently fulfilling part of my life.

There’s nothing else that has ever come close.

Where ever you are on your Fatherhood journey, I hope you see that for you, too.

Happy Father’s Day!